Some Things

Some things are harder to accept than others. Right now I'm involved in a situation where my heart is being ripped to pieces by the one person I care about, or, rather, the one person I want to care about me. He means the world to me. Granted, I did some things to mess up what was good in the first place, he's been sending mixed signals since then. First he said I wasn't for him. Next he said he wanted me to wait for him to get things in his life together so I could be his girlfriend. That was one thing I wanted from the beginning of our relationship. I just wanted to be his girlfriend. A few days go by and I hear nothing from him. I get a message from him, and I'm giddy as a rabbit with a fresh carrot stick only to be let down when I open the message and it reads "I can't get over what happened. We're just going to be friends." It took me a few days, but I slowly accepted that. We even had a few really great conversations as friends. I enjoyed that very much. The next day he sent me a text message with some very sweet stuff in it. A true smile came to my face. The first legitimate one in a while (well since our conversation about some improv skits he sent me from youtube). That day at work I get a message from a mutual friend saying "He never really cared about you.". Ouch. Apparently this gets back to him and I accept that he just wants to be friends again. A few days later at work he texts me. He wants me to come find him before he leaves for the day. Fine with me. Another excuse to see my friend. I go see him and he hugs me. Okay. Random. He only hugged me when we were "together". Fast forward to last night because I'm sure a lot of ups and downs happened during the weekend that I do not feel like recapping. Okay. Last night I text him to see if he wants to come eat with me. Nope. He has a date. For the first time since all the bad stuff happened, I break down and I cry. I'm actually very thankful that I was alone for that. Thank goodness the kitten and dog don't judge me for being an overemotional wreck. Fine. I compose myself after wallowing enough to finish making and eating dinner. Today at work we happen to be at lunch at the same time. We even happen to be at the same table. Great. I'm more composed than I thought I would be. We both finish eating early and make small talk with others in the break room. I go talk to my friend in the front and receive a text message from him "Come outside to my car. I'll give you something else to do." I do. He tells me to get in his car. We talk about not saying anything to anyone about work. He says he still wants to do some things with me as long as we don't talk to anybody at work about it. Good. I'm fine with that. I'm the first to admit that things at work spread faster than a yawn in a crowded auditorium. Then it happens. I throw up on him. Nice. Way to ruin things, Kate. Things are finally getting back to the way they're supposed to, and you ruined them. Great going. So does that change the fact that you said you're coming over tonight? Does your WOW raid take place over me just because I threw up on you? Okay. Whatever. I take a "nap". I figure that will clarify things for me. I wake up looking for people to talk to, and actually find some old friends online. I go check myspace and see that his status says "Get a clue, I'm not for you." or something similar. Then I started writing this blog as a way to get my thoughts out clearly.

Which brings me to now. I need to tell you why this guy is so important to me. Why on earth am I so set on this guy? It may or may not be a surprise to you guys, but after I moved home from Hammond, I was pretty much a Zombie. I was cold and dead to the world and there was very little that could get through to me. I didn't have my friends, I didn't have theatre, I didn't have school, and I had a job that I couldn't stand. I felt like a failure. Around October I started reading the Twilight books and actually noticed that I was pretty much the same as Bella was described in New Moon (catatonic comes to mind...barely drifting through life... lots of other comparisons are able to be made.). Anyway, I also started working at The Home Depot. I was in a bad place so I figured even the slightest change in my life may chip away some of the ice around my body. I prayed for it. Things just seemed to get even worse than they were before, except for I actually had a job that I could stand. By mid November I was so numb to the world that days drifted by faster than I could count. I was the new, quiet secluded girl at work. Everyone thought I was weird. Actually, they still do, but that's mostly because I'm an awkwardly klutzy/accident prone girl. December drifted by. I don't remember much of January. February came. That's when I started talking to this guy. Like really talking. We went out to lunch together. Backyard Burger. It was fun. Someone was finally starting to talk to me. That night or a few nights after he asked for my number. Still, I went on with the rest of my non-life. Flattered, yes, but I kinda really didn't have the emotions to go beyond that. I don't know how soon it was after that, but I came back from lunch one day and saw him in the parking lot. We talked. He kissed me. Twice. I all of a sudden woke up and realized I was a human being. The ice that had surrounded me melted. I felt good and actually felt alive for the first time in who knows how long. He's the only person I think who could have done that. I'll never regret that it was him, either.

So yes. Now you guys see why he's so important to me, I hope. I went from being a distant cold zombie to a person who could actually feel things. Granted I don't like what I'm feeling, at least I'm feeling something. I just think that he's someone I shouldn't let go of. It's hard. It's a bad situation. He's special. What do you guys think? Input? I'm not sure what to do. Honestly, writing blogs or writing anything in general is rather cathartic for me. So yeah, I feel a bit better now that I have down what he means to me and everything that happened.

Thanks for following me on this up and down journey of a blog.

Mucho corazon y amor,
Kate